Advertising used to be different. It used to be easier, though We’re sure it didn’t seem so at the time. Our CD Ronan Doyle’s first job was working for two guys who became millionaires simply for writing “I (heart) NY.” An enduring campaign, yes, but to rocket to fame and fortune because of  it? It was a different time. Back then, you wrote a print ad, a radio ad, or a TV spot. And if you were writing a TV spot you were probably flying to Prague to spend three weeks at the nicest hotel there to shoot it. Today, clients are more demanding. Boondoggles are a thing of the past. And there are all kinds of media venues and all sorts of “new” advertising methods. We’re going to talk about two.

Guerilla & Viral advertising. One named after a style of warfare, the other… disease. Given the cutthroat nature of the business, these seem to be appropriate names. Also, the do describe the method quite well. But this us me thinking: What if we kept coming up with new marketing methods, and named them as appropriately as guerilla and viral?

Here’s our list:

Bacterial Marketing: Similar to viral, but if you simply opt-out of the messaging, it will go away.

Crackhead Marketing: Giving someone just enough of a free product to get them addicted, then taking it away so they’ll have to buy it themselves.

Weapons of Mass Destruction Marketing: Convincing a lot of people to order your product with promises of its greatness, then basically delivering them an empty box.

“C’mon baby, if you love me you will” Marketing: Large product promises to get you to buy. Then the product breaks.

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you” Marketing: Similar to above, but it’s a product that you’ll eventually tire of and lose interest.

Smart Bomb Marketing: Developed by the government, this will target specific individuals, with specific messages. Of course, occasionally, it will accidentally go to the neighbor’s house.

“We Need To Talk” Marketing: This is how companies will deliver unfortunate news, recalls or falling stock prices to the public.

Jehovah’s Witness Marketing: Every time you sit down to dinner, there’s a knock at the door and someone is waiting to preach the virtues of their product.